The short answer: "in lieu of flowers" means the family would rather you do something else instead of sending flowers to the service, usually a donation to a charity they name. It is a gentle request, and the kindest thing to do is honour it. It does not mean you cannot show you care. A donation, a card, a meal or a small gift to the family at home a little later are all welcome ways to do that.
Why families ask
Families choose these words for many reasons, and most of them have nothing to do with flowers themselves. Often the person who died cared deeply about a cause, such as a hospital, a hospice, a research charity or a church, and a donation feels like a way to carry that forward. Sometimes the family is holding a small service, or has no service at all, and there will be nowhere to display flowers. Sometimes the family is moving soon after, or simply wants to keep things simple.
You do not need to know the reason. The request is there to make things easier on people who are grieving, so the best response is a simple and warm one.
What to do instead
- Make the donation they name. The obituary usually gives the charity and a link. Many charities will send the family a note that a gift was made in memory of the person, so include the family's name and address if the form asks for them. The amount is usually kept private.
- Send a sympathy card. A few sincere lines mean a great deal, especially if you can share a memory. Our guide on what to write on a sympathy card has wording for every relationship.
- Bring or send a meal. In the first days, food is practical and rarely unwelcome. Check with someone close to the family first about what they need.
- Offer practical help. Driving relatives from the airport, looking after pets or picking up groceries can be worth more than any gift.
Is it ever all right to send flowers anyway?
Read the wording closely. There is a real difference between "in lieu of flowers, please consider a donation" and "no flowers, please". The first suggests a preference, and the second is a clear request. Either way, we suggest you do not send flowers to the service unless you hear otherwise from the family or the funeral home. If there is a request for no flowers, the funeral home may not have space for them, or the family's faith or custom may call for none.
There are a few situations where flowers can still be a kind gesture:
- You are immediate family. Close relatives are often part of planning the service, and the family may want a casket spray or a tribute of its own. If you are unsure, ask whoever is making the arrangements.
- Someone close to the family says it is fine. A quick word with a sibling or a close friend can settle it.
- Time has passed. A few weeks after the service, when the cards have stopped and the house has gone quiet, a small arrangement or a plant sent to the home shows that you are still thinking of them. This is different from sending flowers to the service, and many families appreciate it.
A plant is often the better gift at that point, since it asks little of the family and lasts. Our guide to sympathy plants or flowers can help you choose, and our potted plants and succulents include easy options.
What if the notice does not mention flowers?
If the obituary says nothing either way, flowers are usually welcome at a visitation or a funeral service, unless the family's faith suggests otherwise. Our guide to funeral flower etiquette for different faiths explains where flowers are usual and where they are not. If the service is a memorial after a cremation, see flowers for a cremation or memorial service. When in doubt, a call to the funeral home will settle it, and our funeral home list has their details.
How to word your own notice
If you are the one writing an obituary, a simple line is all you need. Some examples:
- In lieu of flowers, please consider a donation to the charity of your choice.
- In lieu of flowers, donations may be made in her memory to the hospital's palliative care unit.
- Flowers are gratefully declined. Please consider a donation to the cancer society in his name.
- Family flowers only, please.
If you are happy to receive either, you can say so: "Flowers are welcome, or a donation may be made to the charity of your choice." That small line takes the guesswork away for everyone.
If flowers are right, we can help
When a family does welcome flowers, our florists hand-arrange each tribute in our Mississauga studio. Funeral flowers are delivered directly to the funeral home, and every order includes a free handwritten card. Browse our funeral arrangements or all sympathy and funeral flowers, or call us at 905-677-9999 and we will talk it through with you, including whether flowers are the right choice at all.